the perks of being me

why i could never ever ever live in this city.

2007-07-24T23:07:00.000-04:00

i am frustrated and annoyed beyond belief at this city hong kong and everyone that inhabits it. why don't i make a list of everything i hate about it? i think that would make me feel a lot better, and would help me resist the pain i want to inflict on certain people at the moment.

1. condescending coworkers. JUST because i don't speak chinese, it doesn't mean i dont know how to work. and you can stop calling me 'gwai mui' because no, i am not white. you're just fucking jealous that i can speak english.

2. people who work in stores. they hover and watch your every move like a hawk. and when you pick up something you just THINK you might like it, they corner you like a hound and give you no choice but to be rude. then they either bitch you out, annoy you even more, or ignore you when you actually need them to bring merchandise.

3. idiot people in general. those who would fall under this category would be the guy who comes in to the office to check stocks on MY computer and bother me every 2 minutes to check whether or not his stocks have gone up or not. and in the process, makes weird noises and swears and spits everywhere, and basically behaves like a hong kong person would.

4. china people with umbrellas. i may sound racist for writing this, but 'china people' are not chinese people. china people refer directly to those from the mainland, who are ridiculously rude and have no regard for anyone but themselves. and imagine, they're raising 2 billion of these kinds and pretty soon, they're oging to take over the world. i was just at disneyland the other day and (this is where the umbrellas come in) GOD THESE PEOPLE SUCK. i was at the main street water parade, and since hong kong is scortching hot, yes it would be nice if i got a little wet from the characters. BUT NO. this idiot china lady with her umbrella kept a) poking me with it as she was too short to handle her skills of holding a camcorder in one hand and an umbrella in the next and b) shielded herself everytime some one with a hose came by, thereby consequently shielding a very unhappy and sweaty me.

5. nasty men on subways. not only do you have to squish on the subways (i fully sympathize with those travelling during rush hour as i am now one of them) so that you have no personal space slash you can't breathe nor do you WANT to because morning breath from other people sucks. and then you have to make yourself a straight stiff board because you have to be aware of idle hands from those surrounding you. its not really pleasant, yet i have to do it twice a day. oh yeah, and people stare shamelessly. for no reason what so ever. women, men, children (although if they are cute, i don't mind staring back because then they smile at you), grandmas, grandpas, with this empty sullen look on their faces. its awful. yesterday, i was sitting across from this lady, who happened to be sitting beside a slightly mentally challenged boy who was talking on hte phone loudly. he looked so happy and in his own little world, and wasn't bothering her at all particularly, yet she stared at him in disgust, as if she couldn't bear to sit beside him, yet wouldn't get up because there were no other free seats. it's not like he was harassing her or anything!

conclusion: i'm pretty damn sick of this city and need to get out of here fast. either that , or i need some kind of saving.

shallow

2007-07-16T23:28:00.000-04:00

i wish that i could step outside of my life for just a moment and evalute freely the mess everything that is my life has become. okay maybe not everything has gone to shambles, but a good fat portion of it. i also wonder why even though i know i'm not prioritizing the right way, why i keep doing it. somewhere inside, i know there's a fat chance i'm not going to be going anywhere, the way i'm 'headed' right now, but the other way out is always the easy way out..

let's just straight out admit that i'm terrified right now of being kicked out of my program. i think about it at least once a day, which is more than i can say for anything else that should be taking priority. and this IS an important priority, but i'm not doing anything about it. i could be studying, and my parents guilt me into thinking that i'm some kind of lazy child who's unwilling to not have fun and would rather waste my precious time watching tv or spending it on the computer, but in essence, i don't think i am. maybe that's denial taking over and speaking for me, but i really don't know. when i refute that "i am, i AM worried about my future", i get retorts that resemble "then do something about it". okay. i didn't study as hard as i could this year, looking back, but in the midst of it all, i really thought iw as giving maybe 95% effort. gathering from the results, it looked to be about a 70% effort. yes, i had a lot of fun, but i don't regret it and i almost always never felt guilty about it. i've been trying really hard to live by the 'forget regret, or life is yours to miss' inspiration.

but in any case, back to my fear. i was told to have a plan b, another way out, if things fail, and just the mere thought of that brings me to tears. i don't want to have a plan b, i don't want to think that i should have a plan b. i can't can't can't fail.

on some level, it feels good to admit this out loud, and have it lost in the world of cyberspace, whether someone reads it or not. it's a release of some kind, therapy i've needed a long time.

i've been thinking a lot about this year, and i think i learned to take a lot of risks and jump out of my comfort zone into situations i always thought would be awkward and unable to be handled. i've also been trying to figure out a lot of other things that i learned this year, living on my own, but i just can't seem to put my finger on them. my worst fear: that i learned absolutely nothing at all, and that the third party's suspicions were correct all along... i'm still a spoiled brat who isn't one year wiser and more mature about the ways of the world and about handling her own life.

how i wish i knew myself. you read all these books and the protagonists always go through some sort of trials and tribulations and end their journey the hero's journey way i.e. they find themselves. well, i have 'trials and tribulations' yes, but i hesitate to equate their severity to my own. but even so, why can't i have my hero's end?! maybe it's because i have petty problems. for example, looking back on graduating year, the problems i had back then seem so trivial now.

and this is what i hate. the reality of it all - i haven't learned anything new about myself at all. my monotonous life recylces itself, pouring the same problems onto me, hoping, just hoping, that this one last time, i'll be able to figure out how to grow up, deal and move on.

learning

2006-10-25T20:45:00.000-04:00

i'm not sure i'm ready for this. i don't know who i have become. this new person makes decisions differently, acts differently, thinks differently. i've thrown some ideals out the window, captured some new ones.

'it's all part of the learning process'

can i blame this distortion, this feeling of discomfort, on the learning process? or is there really only one way towards which to shift the blame? maybe it's time to take some responsibility. to step up the game and get into the right groove. i thought i had found my niche, but i guess it was temporary. of course - what was i thinking? it was too ideal. too perfect. too easy. life isn't supposed to be easy, right? there are supposd to be obstacles and challenges. i guess i'm facing them now and the only way to gain some perspective is to get through them.

gain some perspective.

doesn't that sound all too simple? i love the word perspective. but it's such a small word for its big meaning. to me, it means getting some experience, looking at life from different angles, being well-rounded and unbiased.

yeah. i definitely need some of this.

so where to start?

what constitutes perfection..and happiness

2006-01-29T03:14:00.000-05:00

*inspired by kea. cus shes amazing.

i used to be so sure that everything in my mind that alluded to perfection was true, was right. i was clearly wrong. there is no such thing as perfection. there is always something that mars the whole picture. and surprisingly, that makes me sigh with great relief. me, even being the perfectionist that i am, i've come to terms tonight with being less than perfect. i guess observing someone's life from a distance, even for five minutes, as a whole, i was really jealous of everything she had, everything she was, everything she did. i'm being realistic for once in my life. and the purpose of me writing this is just self reassurance that a) its okay to not be perfect and b) i can shed this layer of green jealousy.

oh and that i have a good life as it is. i've been thinking a lot about it these past couple of months when i've been MIA. small things have blocked my entire view on life or something like it. i said i would work on my issues as a new years resolution. issues being self-deprecatory,depending on solely other people to validate my happiness and self worth, and being happier withmyself and with what i have in front of me. right now. at this moment. i want to take everythingwith a giant sweep and say 'it's okay. take it and love it'. i wish i could be less of a hater and more of a lover. love for life and what it is and what it brings me. because life brings
the change i see in me and in others.
opportunity to grow and learn.
love that brings laughter .

and i want to stop hating for what it's not bringing me. because frankly, it's brought me alot. i just have to look around. i guess i could start right now. so this was all about me opening my eyes. and starting over again. it's never too late to figure out what perfection really is about. it takes a lifetime to figure out anyways.

siempre

2005-11-02T22:08:00.000-05:00

call me bipolar.
but i am so happy right now.
love
me

drama queen

2005-10-24T19:54:00.000-04:00

i just spent all of dinner crying and crying and crying. why must the future be so complicated? at this point, it's all just so weird. i'm walking through life like a zombie, too dead to realize the good and see 'the awesome in the everyday'. i'm caught up in details.

i'm thoroughly exhausted with the what if's and oh no's and the freakouts and the tears and the lost hopes. i don't even know if it's worth it anymore. i'm not sure of what i want, in my heart of hearts, and when one can't be certain of what they want, how can one plan their whole life accordingly? i've found that pretty much up until now, i thought i was certain (and trust me, this isn't so much based on emotions, as a true reflection), but only because i was forced to be certain. i'd automatically answer "yes" to the incessant "is this what you want?".

so, i don't know what i want right now. all i know is that i'm extremely worn out. and though it may not seem like it, i'm hurting on the inside. and i can't stop it. at least not for the time being. drama queen or not, the pain and disappointment that seems to just keep on flowing and i don't know when or where in my life it will stop, and just exactly how.

i'm a mess.

thanksgiving.. giving thanks.

2005-10-03T11:19:00.000-04:00

dear reader,

take a few moments to catch up. it's been a while, and i've missed you.

well, you can all say thank you to a certain someone who told me to post something on this damn page for this up and coming RIVETING post. it may or may not be creative- i channeled everything i had last night into my postman essay. my 'mailman' essay. my 'shitson' essay.
....
now that i have completely scared you away, i am going to indulge in what i am thankful for.

yes, kids, happy thanksgiving. pumpkin pie is the love of my life. so i guess i'm thankful for that. i'm also thankful for the fact that i failed the SATs on saturday and couldn't have possibly done any worse than ..possible. i'm thankful for the opportunity of blabbering on and on on this dear old blogger.
on a more serious note, i really am thankful for the new spin of things on my life right now. the following may seem extremely strange as you read, but it'll make sense hopefully in the end. so im pretty sure you sholud know that i'm super busy nowadays with applications, school work, piano and activities galore, but i'm actually enjoying everything because it keeps me on my toes and keeps me in control. i mean, im not letting anything control me anymore. except for my emotions cus those are pretty hard to harness.
i guess what i'm trying to get at is although on the outside my life seems like its spiraling out of control, i think i have a good sense of where its going. which is kind of the anti-thesis of the rest of the graduating class of 2006, havergal or not. i'm trying to be positive about things that happen, yes even things that have surprised me into SHOCK that im numb, things that have made me piss time and time again, things that have made me so low i feel i can't get up again. and ive discovered that taking control (to a certain extent because we all know there is a MUCH MORE qualified someone ( can i call Him that?) who can take control of my life) is the only way to go.
well, to those who have complained about inconsistency in (we)blogging ( haha im so clever, but not really), i hope you had fun.
xoxo,
h

if you fall i will catch you ill be right here. time after time.

currently listening to:
stolen away on 55th and 3rd- dave matthews band
swallowed in the sea- coldplay
honey and the moon- joseph arthur
i still- backstreet boys
hook- blues traveler

oh! december 4th acc dmb. who's excited?

till kingdom come

2005-09-17T18:53:00.000-04:00

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my hand inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you say,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

-Coldplay

...i just love this....

siempre,
h

morelia mission

2005-09-04T20:00:00.000-04:00

Unbelievable, unforgettable in ways I couldn't even imagine.
Stepping out of the tiny express jet and walking towards the miniscule airport, I was at first a bit apprehensive about the upcoming week. Mexico? I thought. What did i know about Mexico? What did I know about orphans and taking care of them? But God had a way of showing me His way, His plan, His love.
The 25 children that live in Morelia Mission are a blessing to the Casa Hogar Por Los Ninos Necessitos, and the Casa Hogar a blessing to them. Taken off the streets and removed from abusive homes, these children have experienced a lifetime more of pain that I have ever experienced. And still, they smile and they love with hearts opened and filled with a flow of life. Their undying spirits have inspired me more than they will ever know. It amazes me daily and I can't even begin to comprehend the way God has worked in their lives, how He has renewed them whole and given them another chance at life. These children have shown me a way to communicate without words, but through action. I know in their eyes and in their smiles, that even for a short while, I made a small difference in their life and that has made it all worthwhile. They taught me how to love unconditionally, whole-heartedly, to forget about the barriers that separated us, and just focus on the greatest thing in the world: Love. I will be forever grateful for this experience, and the Morelia children will always be in my heart.

"To love abundantly is to live abundantly, and to love forever is to live forever. He that would be happy, let him remember that there is but one way- it is more blessed, it is more happy, to give than to receive.
...They could not understand him, but they felt the love that beat in his heart."
- taken from The Greatest Thing in the World, Henry Drummond

i miss

2005-08-21T00:09:00.000-04:00

my eyes are drooping. or droopy. either one. i never knew which expression was right. in any case, in the moments before i shall lay down to rest after a rather long, tiring but funfilled day, i shall contemplate the meaning of life...
just kidding.
basically, what's been on my mind lately:
do i want to be a normal teenager? ( oh and PLUS, define normal. yeah its impossible) or do i want something more? it's been an inside on and off debate/discussion/argument that has been bothering me ever since that night. basically what are my goals this coming year. do i want to compromise work and my future for fun nights that would soon turn into nightmares the morning after, or do i want to be a (close enough) hermit, concentrate? ( id like to add that there is no guarantee after this hermit-age either). conflicting, i know.

anyways, its late. i have a lot of things to think about. but knowing me, ill think about them for about the 2 seconds before my head hits the pillow and i'll crash.

xo,
h
p.s. extremely irate at mudda who ishnt letting me go a-hunting.
p.p.s. rewind to lazy river. 22 17-year-olds holding hands is kinda fruity.
p.p.s. cradle robbing anyone?

wierd.

2005-08-11T19:09:00.000-04:00

"And as each and all of them were warmed without by the sun, so each had a private little sun for her soul to bask in; some dream, some affection, some hobby, at least some remote and distant hope which, though perhaps starving to nothing, still lived on, as hopes will. Thus they were all cheerful, and many of them merry."
from Tess of the d'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy

xo
h

currently listening to:
if i had a million dollars- barenaked ladies
get low- lil jon & the eastside boyz
glycerine- bush
you and me- lifehouse
bohemian rhapsody - queen

do you think chest hair is sexy?

2005-08-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

except, no one except for me will actually understand that title, so i'll just leave it at that.
i'm at loss for words about everything in my life right now. everything seems so jumbled and i can't seem to process it fast enough. i kind of life the fast pace? but i'm not ready for it.
so i have a lot on my mind, a lot to do, and a lot to think about.

mystomachhurts.myroomisgross.imissmyshads.imissmyamericans.imisseverythingthaticanthave.
i am such a complainer, i know, and i dont even bother learning how NOT to be so like this. oh well. yes. oH WELL.

okay okay, about shad. why i loved it. because it was productive and fun, and because i met the coolest people ever. yes! maine people can compare! there was something about them that just clicked. they understood me, and they loved me for who i was. no pretending, no faking. just me. raw.

today was an awesome day. andrea was so freaking hyper she freaked a) the little kids b) a certain someone who is rather rather handsome c) me out.

as for hem hem, i guess i'm feeling okay about it now? im not sure how or what to feel. other than what i haev been feeling for the past week. so ill just leave it at that. and let it pick up when time comes again. wise words, non?

xo
h

currently listening to:
iris- goo goo dolls
for good- from wicked
the world i know- collective soul
every breath you take - sting and the police
god must have spent a little more time on you- N'Sync (although i remain a true bsb fan)

i just miss nchink (yes you make me cry with the memory of that song), gof (never apart), my shads.

boydrama

2005-07-18T16:41:00.000-04:00

nope, you can't get rid of it no matter where you go. because lil h here just ALWAYS seems to get in the WRONG situations. never have i successfully managed to find myself in a normal relationship. but then again, it never is normal, is it?
i dont want to be that girl. i really dont. thats just plain bitchy and not cool. but he hasn't said anything yet. so am i supposed to guess? why can't guys just be more forward. heck, its hard, buit its your place.
i can't type anymore. i am currently sweaty, gross, smelly and i need to call someone.
adios chicos and chicas.
h

shad05

2005-07-05T22:56:00.000-04:00

UNB UNB IS A UNIVERSITY.
omy. red house is soo hawt. no jokes.
anyways, shad 05 seems like its gonna rock my socks off pretty damn sooooon. people are reallly cool , and even though we're all deep down inside big nerd-os, i'm still having a loot of fun. i can't wait for the next 20 something days!
ttul
h

all you need is love

2005-06-29T16:57:00.000-04:00

this song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of days.
and also a couple of others, like 'holla back girl' and that 'nana' song

things i miss
asian punk (haha)
tanmay the tall beast/you dumb ****/i hate you
paul and his bush jumping, front rolling, and sperm dancing
josh and his 'canada'
girish's deep convos
'poker'- an excuse to play truth or dare ( i dare you to never wear flipflops wtih socks again)
chemistry man ( and maybefreaky lady?)
curie!!
'im asian'- rice rex
justins awfully hot ring tone
my girls- mary, caroline, stella and kara
ninja turtles and fingerflicking
doctor camp was acutally pretty fun. i can't believe we got so close after 10 days.
now i turn to the rest of my summer- SHAD 06 will be amazing, but right now, apprehensive.

someone just called me. his name is simon. that was really random. IM SO EXCITED! countdown: 4 days

i love you.
h
ps. ask me about doctor camp.

sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

2005-06-11T00:35:00.000-04:00

everywhere.
summer is officially here. season of heat strokes, tan lines and craazy times.
so im finally done exams. expecting much? no. i was expecting calls, but i didnt get any. oh maybe because they've given up on me... heh.
i've spent an awful lot of time with my cousin lately which has been stellar. the pang gossip....oh baby. its enough to last you a lifetime.
im sorry. im in kind of a bad mood, and i can't write something worthwhile.... i've lost my magic touch.

xoxo
h

2005-05-27T00:15:00.000-04:00

"it just seems like no matter how many more times we discuss it, it doesnt seem to get better or easier. it just sinks deeper and deeper into our hearts until we can go no more. it settles there, for a little while, until it becomes part of us, part of who we are as a human being every day. "

"i guess what i do is just remind myself that it couldn't last foreever, & i'd rather have had the experience than not have it at all so even though it's over i'm still grateful to have all those people out there even if i can't see them everyday"

"yeah. i tell myself that too. every day. "

tonight has been hard. i've realized i need them. and even if they have lives to live, and i have my life to live, to stop and say i love you makes it all the better to live. i haven't lost them. but sometimes, it sure feels like it. then the i love you too reminds me that there is something, somewhere, and that it's not all lost. the feelings are washed away. and i rise again.

xo
-h

hide and seek

2005-05-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

where are we?
what the hell is going on?

the dust has only just begun to fall
crop circles in your coffin
sinking, feeling
Spin around me again
and rub my eyes
This can't be happening
when busy streets
amess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before
the take over
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
chains and sewing machines
(oh, won't catch me around here)
blood and tears
they were here first

what you say, that you only meant well
well of course you did
what you say, that it's all for the best
cause it is
what you say, that it's just what we need
you decided this
what you say, what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth (hide and seek)
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs (hide and seek)
speak no feeling, no I don't believe you (hide and seek)
you can bet you don't care a bit (hide and seek)

you don't care a bit

enjoy. because i did.
xo-h

currently listening to:
fix you- coldplay
hide and seek- imogen heap *
everybody's changing- keane
promising light- iron and wine
baby britain-elliot smith

so i hear

2005-05-22T18:50:00.000-04:00

this is ridiculous. i cant do this. im actually crazy. i guess its the summer (semi) heat thats making me loca.
v-unit is correcto - we need to focus. h-dawg says : i dont wanna. oh do i ever...nawanna....
some new ideas:
chemistry is flippa boooring, especially when you do 4 hours of it at a time, problem after problem.
biology im just scared of, so my chart paper is going to stay empty for quite some time.
french is just pointless- we already did the ap. why another one? especially about stupid wannabes and asian misfits
latin is going to be the death of me sooner or later. enough presentimperfectperfectsimpletruepluperfectfuturepassivesubjunctive1st2nd3rd4th5thdeclensioningparticipleconditionalsabsolutesetcetcconstructions
history is jokes. the one thing ive learned: dinner parties can kiss my ass
english is also jokes. tragedy tragedy spinky is my tragic hero. going d o w n

where did my long weekend go?
"hot damn" "no not really. only 25 degrees"
"stop baby what's that sound, everybody look what's going down..."

adios babes
its been fun writing this incoherent piece of junk
h

currently listening to:
the man you love- il divo
pantala naga pampa- dmb
poets- tragically hip (gracias a laura)
babylon- david gray
star wars theme song - DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUN DUN

i hear the clock, its 6 am

2005-05-17T00:22:00.000-04:00

actually, its 12 30 am right now. instead of working on my latin commentary and english oral presentation, both of which i had been freaking out about the whole day, im here to regale you with my stories of...life. thats right. oh the irony.

my stories of life
being a hermit is actually kind of fun. i cleaned up my desk in my room and i rarely come out now. i like sitting at my desk, staring off into space. i like lying on my bed with my hands on my face, sighing at just the thought of what has to be done.
i dont believe there's such a thing as 'trying too hard'. i really dont. so what i dont get is how a teacher tells me to not try too hard, and end up f-a-i-l-i-n-g her class. i shouldnt listen to teachers from now on. only one, only one. i think we all know who that is.

only nine days left. running on 3 h of sleep. ginger tea. thoughts of summer.
take care everyone, and be well. we're almost there.

and by almost there, i mean we have another year, and then another four, and then another who knows how many... my point is, this madness won't stop. but what we can do is laugh it off. laugh it alllll offf.

xo
h

currently listening to:
jimi thing- dave matthews band
strange and beautiful- aqualung
the sound of settling- death cab for cutie
mama- il divo
jack and diane- john mellencamp

the storm is passing over

2005-04-27T22:47:00.000-04:00

haha that reminded me of ismf.

calculus is the death of me. who the hell invented it. actualy i can answer that question, so don't get too excited to tell me. i just don't understand how for the first time in my life i actually try hard and don't succeed. i also sense this will become the story of my life. so when i get my exam back tomorrow, ill just squeeze my eyes shut real tight and pray that ill be able to handle the big fat 0 that is bound to atop my exam.
freaking out just about now with all the things on my plate. its kinda funny cus i keep telling myself that the worst is over, and that technically i have no work left. there are five weeks left. what an idiot i am. of course theres a lot of work to be done.
----goals in life at the moment----
[ ] get a grip
[ ] keep organized
[ ] find someone remotely interesting
[ ] stop wishing i was in maine

xo-h
p.s. i hate paperwork.
p.p.s. im sorry for the disjointed blog. i really am.

currently listening to:
grace is gone- dave matthews band
careful- guster
fire and rain- james taylor
only living boy in new york -simon and garfunkel
as i lay me down to sleep- sophie b. hawkins

2005-04-11T00:18:00.000-04:00

whao, was i ever in a 'd' mood- all the artists of my currently listening to list started with a d!
you know when you're happy, but stressed? i guess thats what i am right now. the mountain of work seems unbearable but we have 6 weeks left. and happy because for the first time in a while, it seems like everything is aligned the way a) it's supposed to be b) i wanted it to be.

i dont usually quote the Bible, or anything too much, i guess because it seems cheese, but if something impacts me, it impacts me big.
proverbs 11:19- I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.
i cried during todays sermon. i think that says something. something big.

h
love

currently listening to:
#41- dave matthews band
all my life- kci and jojo
barrel of a gun- guster
forever- ben harper
the only living boy in new york- simon and garfunkel

if music be the food of... wait...

2005-04-09T00:28:00.001-04:00

geeks like me like gatherings such as ismf. geeks like me like singing their heart out. but geeks like me are still unique.
i love music. i dont know why. i cant stop listening to it. i can't stop playing it. i can't stop making it. instead of delving into deep philosophical discussions about this, however, i will stop myself.
update: im doing better. i didnt even cry when i looked at pictures. so who's the one who needs help now? its not liek i dont miss them, because i do. everytime i talk to them i get a little pang in my heart that tells me i miss them and love them. but i can deal. and i have so many people to thank for that. as soon as i offered myself to the people in my life today and now things have taken a turn for the better. so i love you all.
update: i'm being dumb again. help.

currently listening to:
christmas song- dave matthews band
caravan- duke ellington
caught by the river- the doves
listen to the music- the doobie brothers
strawberry wine- deana carter

love,
h

in and out

2005-03-25T15:27:00.001-05:00

i suddenly realized today in the midst of an out-of-tune choir, holy communion and kids waving paper palm leaves around that i had pushed something violently out of my life. the question is, do i want it back in? just thinking about it, it was so easy to do. i keep telling myself it's like trying to stuff an elephant into a glove compartment, that it's impossible, that it's useless, that it won't help. but today, hearing the reasons why He's the ultimate sacrifice and substitution was phenomenal. that's all i needed to hear, perhaps, to make the elephant fit. yes, the oversized, giant elephant that can save me.

something made me sad today. i was sitting in my lesson, and it occurred to me, as she was saying it, where did all my dedication go? the guilt i carry into the room with me as i sit at the piano and stumble over passages, that would be easy if i just practiced them. the helplessness i feel, not being able to find the music, find what it is. and the fear within me, that it just might disappear from my life soon enough. if i dont grab a hold of it, that is. i know for certain that my love for it has not dissipated, but the real question is, has it diminished? the one thing that i held in my life as my pride, my being, my identity. has it left? why have i managed to remove it, ever so painfully, quietly, until it has no place in me.
i want to hear it again. i want to feel it again. the joy, the emotions. soon.

regretfully,
h

currently listening to:
new slang- the shins
bouncing around the room- phish
such great heights- iron and wine
close your eyes - james taylor
hear you me- jimmy eat world

2005-03-25T15:27:00.000-05:00

cheerio, swweetdeal and manning press, yes yes

2005-03-22T09:49:00.000-05:00

so england is way over. and by way over, i mean last night i came home. so holla to yall!
i miss singing in the cathedrals and crying, just like a choir geek would. i miss the spearing, robson and greenberg, and the manning press ( oh yes oh yes), teddy and STEVE (saved teh best for last). and all the hot british boys we met/stalked ( take ure pick): neil, pierre, oh gosh the list goes on.
by the by, these are REAL people. im not making them up.
i have to go work now. i come back and suddenly there's that ugly cloud looming over me again.
xoxoxo
h

currently listening to:
start the commotion- fat boy slim
angel- matt nathanson
let's get it on- marvin gaye
so long- guster
alleluia - (by randall thompson)

P.S. jeff - i'll take a raincheck. i got my report card last nite
and laura- i still love you. id give you my address, but this is rather public and dangerous.

facing me

2005-03-06T01:23:00.000-05:00

i'm pretty damn happy tonight. except for one little glitch. but hey it's not worth mentioning right?
england in four days. how excited am i. SO.
packing can be such a pain. i really dont know how to pack properly. i pack all the bulky stuff and wear all the flat stuff. smart, eh?
okay. so i broke when i said it wasn't worth mentioning (here goes):
someone suggested that i not give up on the hope of love. or at least the idea of it. but how can i not? its so in front of me. its so real. and...its so not mine to have. i guess thats one of the worst feelings in the world. to want that one thing, and not be able to have it. because you so think you're worth that one thing. in any case, im gonna go and drown myself in sad songs and anna karenina.

currently listening to:
two points for honesty- guster
angel from montgomery-bonnie raitt
a case of you- joni mitchell
pink bullets- the shins
collide-howie day

i'm trying to love you all. i'm not doing such a good job of it.
h

the way things were

2005-02-27T19:33:00.000-05:00

i think i may cry. the funny part is, (yes there's a funny part) it's all so in my head and dumb. i just guess i can never control the way i feel. there's something embarassing about the fact that i need to talk to someone about getting back. its been two fucking months. two. someone called it the 'chewonki hangover' . i said fuck you.
i just guess recent incidents have catapulted me into the dark abyss of emotional twists and turns. and i say dark, because it is. i find high comfort in (my) guitar and my journal. nothing and no one else. a little hermit-ish, dont you think? well aren't we all. a small part of us all just can't wait for the quiet.
why can't things be the way they were? or better yet, the way they were before they were.
it just seems like change screws up everything. except i experienced change, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. but it takes a toll on what you've known your whole life and all your relationships. i dont think im up for this right now.
h

the sun

2005-02-20T18:12:00.000-05:00

today i laughed a lot. i even sat on somebody because i laughed so hard. soon after he told me to get off his shoe and stop being so weird, but it was great. i've realized that when i laugh, it's already something to be thankful for. so in honour of a certain somebody, this will be a 'happier' blog.
im still not completely on top of things, but it's coming along.
doubts its not wrong to doubt. its human to doubt. it just makes your faith stronger. what will you do today to strengthen yourself?

my cheery note for everybody today:
look up, loves. life is too short to waste away. let the good times roll.

currently listening to:
ramona - guster
stay or leave- dmb
if i had a boat- lyle lovett
in the waiting line- zero 7
sweet child o'mine- guns n' roses

so i know im in a ridiculously good mood today, but why waste it? i know pretty soon i might be down in the gut of the drain so i shall spread this worldwide...today!
for my "ooh--kkaay" friend- you know who you are. i love you so much.

enjoy, pooches
me

2005-02-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

im just going to say one quick thing.
there's no such thing as a happy day.
ever.
go figure.
bitterly yours,
h

neck crick

2005-02-15T00:04:00.000-05:00

yeah. just had one. had to crack it. crickitycrackity.
this bio lab is consuming my life. and the funny thing is that it's not even due tomorrow! boy, heidi, you're overachieving.
ha. jokes. story of my life.
so i had wished i wouldn't see koenka at all today. guess who is the first teacher i see walking out of the staff room at 8:19:30 ( just kidding. i made that up. but it was somewhere around there). you guessed it. koenka. i don't mind him. i just hate confrontation. which is exactly what he put me up to do. so we talked about my 'conceptual error' that i've been making ever since i got back into class. i lied through my teeth and said it was because i didnt practice any application questions while in maine. what i really wanted to say, or shout rather, was "thats because you're a teacher that sucks balls. i want bill. now. and why aren't we doing integration when the rest of my calc class from maine is halfway through? pRiCk." but i didn't say any of that. i smiled and nodded. excelllent.
by the way, if you know me really well, you've been noticing my use of the words "excellent", "stellar" and goodness knows what else. i dont know why i do it. i just do.
binnacle reunion: shooting for around june? sounds excellent to me. the "goal" which i can look forward to. oh summer also goes in that category too. why can't it be march break yet? england is calling my name.
in any case, its time to return to the apcalcbiochemapfrench mishmash of work. that too is caling my name. in not so nice, but rather harsh, tones.
a little late i know, but...
happy valentines day everyone.
will you be mine?

love, hugs and kisses for the warm (or not so warm) occasion,
h

alarm

2005-02-11T00:17:00.000-05:00

so the binnacle chat room was quite a highlight of my night. it sure as heck beats studying for ap calculus and ap french. just my luck i get the both of them tomorrow to bite me in the ass while im not looking.
//today was kind of _______(neg. adj). i didnt quite know what to do with myself. i had all this work to do, so i shut myself away during lunch and spare, and quite frankly, just worked. as hermitish as it sounds, it was nice. it was me time. something that ive learned to appreciate and love, ever since coming back from maine. i wrote an extensive journal entry about transition again ( oh, aren't we ever so tired of that word from me). during choir, however, for no reason i started tearing. in the end, it was just a false alarm, some near-tears. but the emptiness i felt wasn't false. not one bit. it was so real it was alarming. i have to check up on myself at times like these. who else, but me, is going to be able to control how i feel about this whole situation? im the only one who can get a grip. im the only one who can tell myself to get over it. i can't live in the past. i sure as hell cant, as much as i want to.
//starting my mcs speech ( who knows when ill do it. maybe never) was also refreshing and relaxing. i can't wait to finish it. and even if i dont present it, ill still have this document, written down and everything, that "sums up" my experience. but hell, it doesnt even come close. everything is a mishmash and to separate them all would just be blasphemy. but in order for people, people who weren't there to understand, this is necessary. so its a little humbling on my part too.
//i'm tired now. i dont want to wake up tomorrow to the wrath of calculus and french.

be well,
h

failure

2005-02-08T20:12:00.000-05:00

yep. thats me. im gonna fail grade 11. wahoo! its somethign to definitely look forward to...
i have so much work to do. i can already tell its gonna be a late night.
checklist:
ap calc practice test
ap french CV and LM ( how dumb is this!)
bio quiz
english paragraph
latin translation ( keep on trekking- reuter: rome wasnt built in a day)
us essay on GUN CONTROL. joy.
so aside from the fact that i have all that to do, i need to get to bed by 11. well. 12. well whenever. but ive realized i do need my sleep. its weird. wed all stay up in binnacle till 130 and like not be tired for the next day when we woek up at 6 30 to milk addie. whats up with that?
got the mcs newsletter today and it almost made me cry. reading other peoples stuff is WEIRD, but weird in a way you feel connected to them too cus they got to experience chewonki. damn.
anyways i should go and get some work done. im hungry too. ( new year resolution- the 15 pounds rite?)
tomororw is chinese new year... laden with all its glorious fatty foods. im gonna have one hell of a time. btw. why cant i skip school. its chinese new year. jews skip school on jewish new year. it doesnt make sense to me.
love,
h

*EDIT*
If you read this,make a comment of a memory you have of me.It can be anything you want.It can be good or bad,just so long as it happened.Then, post this on your journaland see what people remember about you.

weirdo.

theblahblah blues

2005-02-07T13:57:00.000-05:00

i've never been one to be quick or witty.
i dont know why i just said that. i was reading over some comments, and i feel sorry for people who read my random outburts that i just loove to post here. on the internet. for stalkerpeople to read. i just made a circle. oh gawd.
as much as i miss the wonk, im slowly getting back into things. i kinda look around and notice that everyone is moving so fast yet im still working at this slow, maybe not-so-steady pace. its kind of annoying and doesnt help much that you've got all sorts of people and pressures from all around. i just want to tell them to shut up because they dont get it at all. talking to mep was lovely and what she said gave me chills. "i dont want to get over it" again, i dont want to forget. i want to remember. everything.
as much as this is some sort of therapy for me to "get through this difficult period of transition time", damn 34. its bad enough they're sleeping in our beds ( boys in binnacle? ew.) but their willard tactics are just tacky. rule number 4. oh haha. very funny.
my friends- i love you. muchos gracias for getting me back and for being there no matter when or where to listen. i didnt want it to be so emotional or whatever, and im slowly learning to pull back.
as always, theres much to do and no time to do it. except now, that is, so...
see ya on the flip side.
xo and love
h

melancholy

2005-01-19T17:58:00.000-05:00

for the first time in a while, i finally felt everything come crashing down. work had piled like mad, which, by the way, i totally disregarded. piano, i haven't even touched in days ( i have a feeling im gonna be schooled like mad in the upcoming weeks...). and on top of that. i just feel sick and tired. i hate to always be taht blahdy blah blah person who "just can't get over chewonki" but i really really can't.
last night, i read the bin book (yes, in tears), and looking over, damn it was insightful. on top of that, we said so many things that are/will be so valuable to us. but just knowing that there's the love. i guess its enough for me. but not for the long run.
i dont want to forget anything.

its been exactly a month since i have been away from my loves. it's been hard, but i suppose that it will be one of the biggest lessons of my life. there have been so many things going on, that it hardly seemed like a month. on the other end of the spectrum, it has felt like an eternity since i last saw everyone's smiles.

today was a bad day, but it just keeps getting better and better. brooks' cd finally came in the mail. the only reason why i damn my living situation. but in any case, it was still bad. no one wants to see me like this, yet i still... can't bring myself to stop. talking abotu it over and over won't make everything better, and i just guess i need some other things to take my mind off it.

one question, something pondered upon everyday, yet not addressed. where's God in all this? have i even stoped to think about it? i guess it ake a lot of things for granted, and one thing, one really BIG thing, is God. ive come to realize that im just too scared and unwilling to give it all to Him. because that's not being in control of what i'm doing, and heck, that scares me to death. some day i'll learn it. let's hope its today.

much love,
h

missing...

2005-01-15T18:01:00.000-05:00

a lot of things, actually.
it seems to be a recurring theme in my life: settling down, getting to know people, only to leave them. someone once said that it was big, that i could do something like that whereas it would be way hard. and it is hard, so i better start getting usd to it, eh?

i've also realized that a lot of what comes out of my brain and onto paper or on the computer is all.. negative. so lets be positive, why dont we.

what a fabulous time we had last night. i do love all my friends. they are all the best. being the camera whores we are, eh.. we had fun with that.

sorry for sucha boring blog, but i gotta jet

my very first blog. aw. how cute.

2005-01-12T21:26:00.000-05:00

okay. so this is sort of like xanga right but ... not. it's blogspot. heh. im so interesting. by the time people know about this blogging of mine, there will be boring-ness. but hey, if you are really that bored, read on.
my life as it is:
new years resolutions
1. i said i was going to start doing homework as soon as i got home, and even made myself a little pocket schedule (yes i am that dorkish at times)to remind me of the tight schedule my life is.
2. i said i was going to start practicing piano when i got home too
3. no msn slash aim slash anything that has to do with computers and their evilness until im done all the homework there is to be completed
4. stop procrascinating
5. eat less and stop being so... ugh... how do say...GLUTTON-ISH

have they been resolved?
i think not.

i am a person of no motivation. unless there's food involved. oh how i love.

i am also a person of weirdness as you can already tell.
onto new and exciting things! ho, onward!
what's new in my life
absolutely nothing at all, except that i really cannot stand school at the moment. who can. but im serious. ive got it bad. i miss chewonki something awful and i wish i could be in the bin, laughing like its my JOB at the dumbest things. my loves... are far far away from me, and all i can feel is this.. emptiness.
dont get me wrong, now, because i love my friends here. they are the most darling friends i could ever ask for. but they're not...chewonki-style in all their ali g and tree identifying glory. and to think, ive become liek that.

so i guess that's it for me. at least for the moment. i dont know exactly how ill find the time to update this thing. ill do my best.

so for now, take care.
much love from me,
h