shallow

i wish that i could step outside of my life for just a moment and evalute freely the mess everything that is my life has become. okay maybe not everything has gone to shambles, but a good fat portion of it. i also wonder why even though i know i'm not prioritizing the right way, why i keep doing it. somewhere inside, i know there's a fat chance i'm not going to be going anywhere, the way i'm 'headed' right now, but the other way out is always the easy way out..

let's just straight out admit that i'm terrified right now of being kicked out of my program. i think about it at least once a day, which is more than i can say for anything else that should be taking priority. and this IS an important priority, but i'm not doing anything about it. i could be studying, and my parents guilt me into thinking that i'm some kind of lazy child who's unwilling to not have fun and would rather waste my precious time watching tv or spending it on the computer, but in essence, i don't think i am. maybe that's denial taking over and speaking for me, but i really don't know. when i refute that "i am, i AM worried about my future", i get retorts that resemble "then do something about it". okay. i didn't study as hard as i could this year, looking back, but in the midst of it all, i really thought iw as giving maybe 95% effort. gathering from the results, it looked to be about a 70% effort. yes, i had a lot of fun, but i don't regret it and i almost always never felt guilty about it. i've been trying really hard to live by the 'forget regret, or life is yours to miss' inspiration.

but in any case, back to my fear. i was told to have a plan b, another way out, if things fail, and just the mere thought of that brings me to tears. i don't want to have a plan b, i don't want to think that i should have a plan b. i can't can't can't fail.

on some level, it feels good to admit this out loud, and have it lost in the world of cyberspace, whether someone reads it or not. it's a release of some kind, therapy i've needed a long time.

i've been thinking a lot about this year, and i think i learned to take a lot of risks and jump out of my comfort zone into situations i always thought would be awkward and unable to be handled. i've also been trying to figure out a lot of other things that i learned this year, living on my own, but i just can't seem to put my finger on them. my worst fear: that i learned absolutely nothing at all, and that the third party's suspicions were correct all along... i'm still a spoiled brat who isn't one year wiser and more mature about the ways of the world and about handling her own life.

how i wish i knew myself. you read all these books and the protagonists always go through some sort of trials and tribulations and end their journey the hero's journey way i.e. they find themselves. well, i have 'trials and tribulations' yes, but i hesitate to equate their severity to my own. but even so, why can't i have my hero's end?! maybe it's because i have petty problems. for example, looking back on graduating year, the problems i had back then seem so trivial now.

and this is what i hate. the reality of it all - i haven't learned anything new about myself at all. my monotonous life recylces itself, pouring the same problems onto me, hoping, just hoping, that this one last time, i'll be able to figure out how to grow up, deal and move on.