drama queen
i just spent all of dinner crying and crying and crying. why must the future be so complicated? at this point, it's all just so weird. i'm walking through life like a zombie, too dead to realize the good and see 'the awesome in the everyday'. i'm caught up in details.
i'm thoroughly exhausted with the what if's and oh no's and the freakouts and the tears and the lost hopes. i don't even know if it's worth it anymore. i'm not sure of what i want, in my heart of hearts, and when one can't be certain of what they want, how can one plan their whole life accordingly? i've found that pretty much up until now, i thought i was certain (and trust me, this isn't so much based on emotions, as a true reflection), but only because i was forced to be certain. i'd automatically answer "yes" to the incessant "is this what you want?".
so, i don't know what i want right now. all i know is that i'm extremely worn out. and though it may not seem like it, i'm hurting on the inside. and i can't stop it. at least not for the time being. drama queen or not, the pain and disappointment that seems to just keep on flowing and i don't know when or where in my life it will stop, and just exactly how.
i'm a mess.
posted by chiquitaxl @ Monday, October 24, 2005
5 Comments:
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<3 talk to me.
- vic
my poor heidi!!!
you should never be under that much stress ...
heidi, your parents may be pressuring you into doing something you don't want to know or don't know if you want to do, which sucks, granted, but ... take comfort in knowing that a lot of kids don't know what they want in life, even though right now it might not seem that way. i don't even think a lot of girls at hc know what they want to do ... and even if a lot do, that's what you've got to expect at havergal .. crazy girls who just seem to have their whole lives planned out already at the age of 16/17 ...
it's not typical or normal
anyway, your parents also mean thes best, which makes it even more of a bitch, because you want to tell them to stop bossing you around but ... really, you have not much control of the situation in teh first place but also, they really do have best intentions
i hope that's how you feel, or this wouldn't have helped at all
Heidi -
omgoodness hun, stop. breathe. and *hug* it'll get better. it's tough under stress, and there's no way you should be going through that much stress, or even be subjected slightly to that much. that's not fair on you. :S :( you should be happy, you've done so much in the past couple years (and more recently with the morelia mission) that you should be proud of. and proud of being yourself and doing what's best for you :) not knowing what you want to do immediately is okay. suprisingly. you have your whole life, and i'm pretty sure deep down you know the direction you want to take, so take it and run with it. and if you ever need anyone to talk to, i'm always here :)
i hope things get better :)
mira
it's been like 2 weeks womaN! post something NEW and less depressing!!! love, your second favourite halfie ...
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