drama queen

i just spent all of dinner crying and crying and crying. why must the future be so complicated? at this point, it's all just so weird. i'm walking through life like a zombie, too dead to realize the good and see 'the awesome in the everyday'. i'm caught up in details.

i'm thoroughly exhausted with the what if's and oh no's and the freakouts and the tears and the lost hopes. i don't even know if it's worth it anymore. i'm not sure of what i want, in my heart of hearts, and when one can't be certain of what they want, how can one plan their whole life accordingly? i've found that pretty much up until now, i thought i was certain (and trust me, this isn't so much based on emotions, as a true reflection), but only because i was forced to be certain. i'd automatically answer "yes" to the incessant "is this what you want?".

so, i don't know what i want right now. all i know is that i'm extremely worn out. and though it may not seem like it, i'm hurting on the inside. and i can't stop it. at least not for the time being. drama queen or not, the pain and disappointment that seems to just keep on flowing and i don't know when or where in my life it will stop, and just exactly how.

i'm a mess.

thanksgiving.. giving thanks.

dear reader,

take a few moments to catch up. it's been a while, and i've missed you.

well, you can all say thank you to a certain someone who told me to post something on this damn page for this up and coming RIVETING post. it may or may not be creative- i channeled everything i had last night into my postman essay. my 'mailman' essay. my 'shitson' essay.
....
now that i have completely scared you away, i am going to indulge in what i am thankful for.

yes, kids, happy thanksgiving. pumpkin pie is the love of my life. so i guess i'm thankful for that. i'm also thankful for the fact that i failed the SATs on saturday and couldn't have possibly done any worse than ..possible. i'm thankful for the opportunity of blabbering on and on on this dear old blogger.
on a more serious note, i really am thankful for the new spin of things on my life right now. the following may seem extremely strange as you read, but it'll make sense hopefully in the end. so im pretty sure you sholud know that i'm super busy nowadays with applications, school work, piano and activities galore, but i'm actually enjoying everything because it keeps me on my toes and keeps me in control. i mean, im not letting anything control me anymore. except for my emotions cus those are pretty hard to harness.
i guess what i'm trying to get at is although on the outside my life seems like its spiraling out of control, i think i have a good sense of where its going. which is kind of the anti-thesis of the rest of the graduating class of 2006, havergal or not. i'm trying to be positive about things that happen, yes even things that have surprised me into SHOCK that im numb, things that have made me piss time and time again, things that have made me so low i feel i can't get up again. and ive discovered that taking control (to a certain extent because we all know there is a MUCH MORE qualified someone ( can i call Him that?) who can take control of my life) is the only way to go.
well, to those who have complained about inconsistency in (we)blogging ( haha im so clever, but not really), i hope you had fun.
xoxo,
h

if you fall i will catch you ill be right here. time after time.

currently listening to:
stolen away on 55th and 3rd- dave matthews band
swallowed in the sea- coldplay
honey and the moon- joseph arthur
i still- backstreet boys
hook- blues traveler

oh! december 4th acc dmb. who's excited?