i suddenly realized today in the midst of an out-of-tune choir, holy communion and kids waving paper palm leaves around that i had pushed something violently out of my life. the question is, do i want it back in? just thinking about it, it was so easy to do. i keep telling myself it's like trying to stuff an elephant into a glove compartment, that it's impossible, that it's useless, that it won't help. but today, hearing the reasons why He's the ultimate sacrifice and substitution was phenomenal. that's all i needed to hear, perhaps, to make the elephant fit. yes, the oversized, giant elephant that can save me.

something made me sad today. i was sitting in my lesson, and it occurred to me, as she was saying it, where did all my dedication go? the guilt i carry into the room with me as i sit at the piano and stumble over passages, that would be easy if i just practiced them. the helplessness i feel, not being able to find the music, find what it is. and the fear within me, that it just might disappear from my life soon enough. if i dont grab a hold of it, that is. i know for certain that my love for it has not dissipated, but the real question is, has it diminished? the one thing that i held in my life as my pride, my being, my identity. has it left? why have i managed to remove it, ever so painfully, quietly, until it has no place in me.
i want to hear it again. i want to feel it again. the joy, the emotions. soon.

regretfully,
h

currently listening to:
new slang- the shins
bouncing around the room- phish
such great heights- iron and wine
close your eyes - james taylor
hear you me- jimmy eat world