in and out

i suddenly realized today in the midst of an out-of-tune choir, holy communion and kids waving paper palm leaves around that i had pushed something violently out of my life. the question is, do i want it back in? just thinking about it, it was so easy to do. i keep telling myself it's like trying to stuff an elephant into a glove compartment, that it's impossible, that it's useless, that it won't help. but today, hearing the reasons why He's the ultimate sacrifice and substitution was phenomenal. that's all i needed to hear, perhaps, to make the elephant fit. yes, the oversized, giant elephant that can save me.

something made me sad today. i was sitting in my lesson, and it occurred to me, as she was saying it, where did all my dedication go? the guilt i carry into the room with me as i sit at the piano and stumble over passages, that would be easy if i just practiced them. the helplessness i feel, not being able to find the music, find what it is. and the fear within me, that it just might disappear from my life soon enough. if i dont grab a hold of it, that is. i know for certain that my love for it has not dissipated, but the real question is, has it diminished? the one thing that i held in my life as my pride, my being, my identity. has it left? why have i managed to remove it, ever so painfully, quietly, until it has no place in me.
i want to hear it again. i want to feel it again. the joy, the emotions. soon.

regretfully,
h

currently listening to:
new slang- the shins
bouncing around the room- phish
such great heights- iron and wine
close your eyes - james taylor
hear you me- jimmy eat world

i suddenly realized today in the midst of an out-of-tune choir, holy communion and kids waving paper palm leaves around that i had pushed something violently out of my life. the question is, do i want it back in? just thinking about it, it was so easy to do. i keep telling myself it's like trying to stuff an elephant into a glove compartment, that it's impossible, that it's useless, that it won't help. but today, hearing the reasons why He's the ultimate sacrifice and substitution was phenomenal. that's all i needed to hear, perhaps, to make the elephant fit. yes, the oversized, giant elephant that can save me.

something made me sad today. i was sitting in my lesson, and it occurred to me, as she was saying it, where did all my dedication go? the guilt i carry into the room with me as i sit at the piano and stumble over passages, that would be easy if i just practiced them. the helplessness i feel, not being able to find the music, find what it is. and the fear within me, that it just might disappear from my life soon enough. if i dont grab a hold of it, that is. i know for certain that my love for it has not dissipated, but the real question is, has it diminished? the one thing that i held in my life as my pride, my being, my identity. has it left? why have i managed to remove it, ever so painfully, quietly, until it has no place in me.
i want to hear it again. i want to feel it again. the joy, the emotions. soon.

regretfully,
h

currently listening to:
new slang- the shins
bouncing around the room- phish
such great heights- iron and wine
close your eyes - james taylor
hear you me- jimmy eat world

cheerio, swweetdeal and manning press, yes yes

so england is way over. and by way over, i mean last night i came home. so holla to yall!
i miss singing in the cathedrals and crying, just like a choir geek would. i miss the spearing, robson and greenberg, and the manning press ( oh yes oh yes), teddy and STEVE (saved teh best for last). and all the hot british boys we met/stalked ( take ure pick): neil, pierre, oh gosh the list goes on.
by the by, these are REAL people. im not making them up.
i have to go work now. i come back and suddenly there's that ugly cloud looming over me again.
xoxoxo
h

currently listening to:
start the commotion- fat boy slim
angel- matt nathanson
let's get it on- marvin gaye
so long- guster
alleluia - (by randall thompson)

P.S. jeff - i'll take a raincheck. i got my report card last nite
and laura- i still love you. id give you my address, but this is rather public and dangerous.

facing me

i'm pretty damn happy tonight. except for one little glitch. but hey it's not worth mentioning right?
england in four days. how excited am i. SO.
packing can be such a pain. i really dont know how to pack properly. i pack all the bulky stuff and wear all the flat stuff. smart, eh?
okay. so i broke when i said it wasn't worth mentioning (here goes):
someone suggested that i not give up on the hope of love. or at least the idea of it. but how can i not? its so in front of me. its so real. and...its so not mine to have. i guess thats one of the worst feelings in the world. to want that one thing, and not be able to have it. because you so think you're worth that one thing. in any case, im gonna go and drown myself in sad songs and anna karenina.

currently listening to:
two points for honesty- guster
angel from montgomery-bonnie raitt
a case of you- joni mitchell
pink bullets- the shins
collide-howie day

i'm trying to love you all. i'm not doing such a good job of it.
h