alarm
so the binnacle chat room was quite a highlight of my night. it sure as heck beats studying for ap calculus and ap french. just my luck i get the both of them tomorrow to bite me in the ass while im not looking.
//today was kind of _______(neg. adj). i didnt quite know what to do with myself. i had all this work to do, so i shut myself away during lunch and spare, and quite frankly, just worked. as hermitish as it sounds, it was nice. it was me time. something that ive learned to appreciate and love, ever since coming back from maine. i wrote an extensive journal entry about transition again ( oh, aren't we ever so tired of that word from me). during choir, however, for no reason i started tearing. in the end, it was just a false alarm, some near-tears. but the emptiness i felt wasn't false. not one bit. it was so real it was alarming. i have to check up on myself at times like these. who else, but me, is going to be able to control how i feel about this whole situation? im the only one who can get a grip. im the only one who can tell myself to get over it. i can't live in the past. i sure as hell cant, as much as i want to.
//starting my mcs speech ( who knows when ill do it. maybe never) was also refreshing and relaxing. i can't wait to finish it. and even if i dont present it, ill still have this document, written down and everything, that "sums up" my experience. but hell, it doesnt even come close. everything is a mishmash and to separate them all would just be blasphemy. but in order for people, people who weren't there to understand, this is necessary. so its a little humbling on my part too.
//i'm tired now. i dont want to wake up tomorrow to the wrath of calculus and french.
be well,
h
posted by chiquitaxl @ Friday, February 11, 2005
1 Comments:
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