the way things were

i think i may cry. the funny part is, (yes there's a funny part) it's all so in my head and dumb. i just guess i can never control the way i feel. there's something embarassing about the fact that i need to talk to someone about getting back. its been two fucking months. two. someone called it the 'chewonki hangover' . i said fuck you.
i just guess recent incidents have catapulted me into the dark abyss of emotional twists and turns. and i say dark, because it is. i find high comfort in (my) guitar and my journal. nothing and no one else. a little hermit-ish, dont you think? well aren't we all. a small part of us all just can't wait for the quiet.
why can't things be the way they were? or better yet, the way they were before they were.
it just seems like change screws up everything. except i experienced change, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. but it takes a toll on what you've known your whole life and all your relationships. i dont think im up for this right now.
h

the sun

today i laughed a lot. i even sat on somebody because i laughed so hard. soon after he told me to get off his shoe and stop being so weird, but it was great. i've realized that when i laugh, it's already something to be thankful for. so in honour of a certain somebody, this will be a 'happier' blog.
im still not completely on top of things, but it's coming along.
doubts its not wrong to doubt. its human to doubt. it just makes your faith stronger. what will you do today to strengthen yourself?

my cheery note for everybody today:
look up, loves. life is too short to waste away. let the good times roll.

currently listening to:
ramona - guster
stay or leave- dmb
if i had a boat- lyle lovett
in the waiting line- zero 7
sweet child o'mine- guns n' roses

so i know im in a ridiculously good mood today, but why waste it? i know pretty soon i might be down in the gut of the drain so i shall spread this worldwide...today!
for my "ooh--kkaay" friend- you know who you are. i love you so much.

enjoy, pooches
me

im just going to say one quick thing.
there's no such thing as a happy day.
ever.
go figure.
bitterly yours,
h

neck crick

yeah. just had one. had to crack it. crickitycrackity.
this bio lab is consuming my life. and the funny thing is that it's not even due tomorrow! boy, heidi, you're overachieving.
ha. jokes. story of my life.
so i had wished i wouldn't see koenka at all today. guess who is the first teacher i see walking out of the staff room at 8:19:30 ( just kidding. i made that up. but it was somewhere around there). you guessed it. koenka. i don't mind him. i just hate confrontation. which is exactly what he put me up to do. so we talked about my 'conceptual error' that i've been making ever since i got back into class. i lied through my teeth and said it was because i didnt practice any application questions while in maine. what i really wanted to say, or shout rather, was "thats because you're a teacher that sucks balls. i want bill. now. and why aren't we doing integration when the rest of my calc class from maine is halfway through? pRiCk." but i didn't say any of that. i smiled and nodded. excelllent.
by the way, if you know me really well, you've been noticing my use of the words "excellent", "stellar" and goodness knows what else. i dont know why i do it. i just do.
binnacle reunion: shooting for around june? sounds excellent to me. the "goal" which i can look forward to. oh summer also goes in that category too. why can't it be march break yet? england is calling my name.
in any case, its time to return to the apcalcbiochemapfrench mishmash of work. that too is caling my name. in not so nice, but rather harsh, tones.
a little late i know, but...
happy valentines day everyone.
will you be mine?

love, hugs and kisses for the warm (or not so warm) occasion,
h

alarm

so the binnacle chat room was quite a highlight of my night. it sure as heck beats studying for ap calculus and ap french. just my luck i get the both of them tomorrow to bite me in the ass while im not looking.
//today was kind of _______(neg. adj). i didnt quite know what to do with myself. i had all this work to do, so i shut myself away during lunch and spare, and quite frankly, just worked. as hermitish as it sounds, it was nice. it was me time. something that ive learned to appreciate and love, ever since coming back from maine. i wrote an extensive journal entry about transition again ( oh, aren't we ever so tired of that word from me). during choir, however, for no reason i started tearing. in the end, it was just a false alarm, some near-tears. but the emptiness i felt wasn't false. not one bit. it was so real it was alarming. i have to check up on myself at times like these. who else, but me, is going to be able to control how i feel about this whole situation? im the only one who can get a grip. im the only one who can tell myself to get over it. i can't live in the past. i sure as hell cant, as much as i want to.
//starting my mcs speech ( who knows when ill do it. maybe never) was also refreshing and relaxing. i can't wait to finish it. and even if i dont present it, ill still have this document, written down and everything, that "sums up" my experience. but hell, it doesnt even come close. everything is a mishmash and to separate them all would just be blasphemy. but in order for people, people who weren't there to understand, this is necessary. so its a little humbling on my part too.
//i'm tired now. i dont want to wake up tomorrow to the wrath of calculus and french.

be well,
h

failure

yep. thats me. im gonna fail grade 11. wahoo! its somethign to definitely look forward to...
i have so much work to do. i can already tell its gonna be a late night.
checklist:
ap calc practice test
ap french CV and LM ( how dumb is this!)
bio quiz
english paragraph
latin translation ( keep on trekking- reuter: rome wasnt built in a day)
us essay on GUN CONTROL. joy.
so aside from the fact that i have all that to do, i need to get to bed by 11. well. 12. well whenever. but ive realized i do need my sleep. its weird. wed all stay up in binnacle till 130 and like not be tired for the next day when we woek up at 6 30 to milk addie. whats up with that?
got the mcs newsletter today and it almost made me cry. reading other peoples stuff is WEIRD, but weird in a way you feel connected to them too cus they got to experience chewonki. damn.
anyways i should go and get some work done. im hungry too. ( new year resolution- the 15 pounds rite?)
tomororw is chinese new year... laden with all its glorious fatty foods. im gonna have one hell of a time. btw. why cant i skip school. its chinese new year. jews skip school on jewish new year. it doesnt make sense to me.
love,
h

*EDIT*
If you read this,make a comment of a memory you have of me.It can be anything you want.It can be good or bad,just so long as it happened.Then, post this on your journaland see what people remember about you.

weirdo.

theblahblah blues

i've never been one to be quick or witty.
i dont know why i just said that. i was reading over some comments, and i feel sorry for people who read my random outburts that i just loove to post here. on the internet. for stalkerpeople to read. i just made a circle. oh gawd.
as much as i miss the wonk, im slowly getting back into things. i kinda look around and notice that everyone is moving so fast yet im still working at this slow, maybe not-so-steady pace. its kind of annoying and doesnt help much that you've got all sorts of people and pressures from all around. i just want to tell them to shut up because they dont get it at all. talking to mep was lovely and what she said gave me chills. "i dont want to get over it" again, i dont want to forget. i want to remember. everything.
as much as this is some sort of therapy for me to "get through this difficult period of transition time", damn 34. its bad enough they're sleeping in our beds ( boys in binnacle? ew.) but their willard tactics are just tacky. rule number 4. oh haha. very funny.
my friends- i love you. muchos gracias for getting me back and for being there no matter when or where to listen. i didnt want it to be so emotional or whatever, and im slowly learning to pull back.
as always, theres much to do and no time to do it. except now, that is, so...
see ya on the flip side.
xo and love
h