melancholy
for the first time in a while, i finally felt everything come crashing down. work had piled like mad, which, by the way, i totally disregarded. piano, i haven't even touched in days ( i have a feeling im gonna be schooled like mad in the upcoming weeks...). and on top of that. i just feel sick and tired. i hate to always be taht blahdy blah blah person who "just can't get over chewonki" but i really really can't.
last night, i read the bin book (yes, in tears), and looking over, damn it was insightful. on top of that, we said so many things that are/will be so valuable to us. but just knowing that there's the love. i guess its enough for me. but not for the long run.
i dont want to forget anything.
its been exactly a month since i have been away from my loves. it's been hard, but i suppose that it will be one of the biggest lessons of my life. there have been so many things going on, that it hardly seemed like a month. on the other end of the spectrum, it has felt like an eternity since i last saw everyone's smiles.
today was a bad day, but it just keeps getting better and better. brooks' cd finally came in the mail. the only reason why i damn my living situation. but in any case, it was still bad. no one wants to see me like this, yet i still... can't bring myself to stop. talking abotu it over and over won't make everything better, and i just guess i need some other things to take my mind off it.
one question, something pondered upon everyday, yet not addressed. where's God in all this? have i even stoped to think about it? i guess it ake a lot of things for granted, and one thing, one really BIG thing, is God. ive come to realize that im just too scared and unwilling to give it all to Him. because that's not being in control of what i'm doing, and heck, that scares me to death. some day i'll learn it. let's hope its today.
much love,
h
posted by chiquitaxl @ Wednesday, January 19, 2005
3 Comments:
heyy heidi...saw your screen name and decided to come and take a peek =)
life can get rough..you know it, i know it, we all know it. and we can't really depend on anything as a constant in this life you know? the only thing we can really, truly, rely on is God.
i went through that thing too a few years ago, and i guess it's something i'm still going through. about not being able to give it all to God. back then i was afraid of giving to God all my problems. i wanted to..but i couldn't. i guess i felt insecure that we can't really see God visibly, and we can't touch Him physically. but that's what faith is all about right? we had a youth rally later that year, and that was when i finally gave my problems to God. when we were worshipping...i felt so out of breath and i realized that i was so unworthy to be singing praises to God. i'm such a lowly person and He's such a great God, who am i to call myself a follower, let alone sing praises to Him. and it was then i realized His great love for me. i couldn't understand why He would send Jesus for...me. i was looking for some complicated answer, but it was in front of me the whole time. it's because He loves me, and He only wants the best for all of us. and now i can give stuff to Him because...because i know that He's in total control of everything. i still get worried, but i can rest assured because i know He's always there.
in terms of the stress and the work and all that stuff..just step back for a second and breathe. let yourself calm down and then pick up the pieces..all this crap can pile up really fast and really high, but we're not going to get anywhere scrambling around right? so let's pick up our shovels and get rid of the stuff =)
a lot of times everything seems really down, but always remember the happy times you've had too...all your laughter, your smiles, everything. and keep this in mind: the sun will come up tomorrow.
we've lost touch since summer, but i'd love to talk to you still =) you're a great amazing person, you have all this stuff going for you, and you have God. don't let the little things get you down.
the sun will come out tomorrow :) take care
oh and yeah this IS curt haha in case you don't remember me...the other heidi's friend =)
Hey Heidi, it's Laura Cheung.
perk up, love, life isn't that bad! I mean, it has it's low points, but think of all the people that love you and it's comforting.
Also remember that HC is SUCH a stressful school. I have my moments where I just want to give up and cry and not doing anything about it because I just don't care. You step out of it though.
The only situation I have that remotely relates to your feeling of lonliness being away from Maine is when I went to camp and came back. I cried so many times, and I was only there for a week. Tres pathetic, I know. So for you, it must be so hard, I understand that.
I'm always here if you need to talk :)
Much love,
Laura
hey heidi!
this is carolyn here.
oh, melancholy. man, my january sucked too, and i understand the feeling of being taken away from what you have grown to love and being dropped back.. to.. well.
i don't quite know where i'm going with this. hahaha, but it's okay to miss chewonki that much. really.
i think the weather has made me all teenage angsty and yes, i hope you have a good long weekend!
much love,
carolyn
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