why i could never ever ever live in this city.

i am frustrated and annoyed beyond belief at this city hong kong and everyone that inhabits it. why don't i make a list of everything i hate about it? i think that would make me feel a lot better, and would help me resist the pain i want to inflict on certain people at the moment.

1. condescending coworkers. JUST because i don't speak chinese, it doesn't mean i dont know how to work. and you can stop calling me 'gwai mui' because no, i am not white. you're just fucking jealous that i can speak english.

2. people who work in stores. they hover and watch your every move like a hawk. and when you pick up something you just THINK you might like it, they corner you like a hound and give you no choice but to be rude. then they either bitch you out, annoy you even more, or ignore you when you actually need them to bring merchandise.

3. idiot people in general. those who would fall under this category would be the guy who comes in to the office to check stocks on MY computer and bother me every 2 minutes to check whether or not his stocks have gone up or not. and in the process, makes weird noises and swears and spits everywhere, and basically behaves like a hong kong person would.

4. china people with umbrellas. i may sound racist for writing this, but 'china people' are not chinese people. china people refer directly to those from the mainland, who are ridiculously rude and have no regard for anyone but themselves. and imagine, they're raising 2 billion of these kinds and pretty soon, they're oging to take over the world. i was just at disneyland the other day and (this is where the umbrellas come in) GOD THESE PEOPLE SUCK. i was at the main street water parade, and since hong kong is scortching hot, yes it would be nice if i got a little wet from the characters. BUT NO. this idiot china lady with her umbrella kept a) poking me with it as she was too short to handle her skills of holding a camcorder in one hand and an umbrella in the next and b) shielded herself everytime some one with a hose came by, thereby consequently shielding a very unhappy and sweaty me.

5. nasty men on subways. not only do you have to squish on the subways (i fully sympathize with those travelling during rush hour as i am now one of them) so that you have no personal space slash you can't breathe nor do you WANT to because morning breath from other people sucks. and then you have to make yourself a straight stiff board because you have to be aware of idle hands from those surrounding you. its not really pleasant, yet i have to do it twice a day. oh yeah, and people stare shamelessly. for no reason what so ever. women, men, children (although if they are cute, i don't mind staring back because then they smile at you), grandmas, grandpas, with this empty sullen look on their faces. its awful. yesterday, i was sitting across from this lady, who happened to be sitting beside a slightly mentally challenged boy who was talking on hte phone loudly. he looked so happy and in his own little world, and wasn't bothering her at all particularly, yet she stared at him in disgust, as if she couldn't bear to sit beside him, yet wouldn't get up because there were no other free seats. it's not like he was harassing her or anything!

conclusion: i'm pretty damn sick of this city and need to get out of here fast. either that , or i need some kind of saving.

shallow

i wish that i could step outside of my life for just a moment and evalute freely the mess everything that is my life has become. okay maybe not everything has gone to shambles, but a good fat portion of it. i also wonder why even though i know i'm not prioritizing the right way, why i keep doing it. somewhere inside, i know there's a fat chance i'm not going to be going anywhere, the way i'm 'headed' right now, but the other way out is always the easy way out..

let's just straight out admit that i'm terrified right now of being kicked out of my program. i think about it at least once a day, which is more than i can say for anything else that should be taking priority. and this IS an important priority, but i'm not doing anything about it. i could be studying, and my parents guilt me into thinking that i'm some kind of lazy child who's unwilling to not have fun and would rather waste my precious time watching tv or spending it on the computer, but in essence, i don't think i am. maybe that's denial taking over and speaking for me, but i really don't know. when i refute that "i am, i AM worried about my future", i get retorts that resemble "then do something about it". okay. i didn't study as hard as i could this year, looking back, but in the midst of it all, i really thought iw as giving maybe 95% effort. gathering from the results, it looked to be about a 70% effort. yes, i had a lot of fun, but i don't regret it and i almost always never felt guilty about it. i've been trying really hard to live by the 'forget regret, or life is yours to miss' inspiration.

but in any case, back to my fear. i was told to have a plan b, another way out, if things fail, and just the mere thought of that brings me to tears. i don't want to have a plan b, i don't want to think that i should have a plan b. i can't can't can't fail.

on some level, it feels good to admit this out loud, and have it lost in the world of cyberspace, whether someone reads it or not. it's a release of some kind, therapy i've needed a long time.

i've been thinking a lot about this year, and i think i learned to take a lot of risks and jump out of my comfort zone into situations i always thought would be awkward and unable to be handled. i've also been trying to figure out a lot of other things that i learned this year, living on my own, but i just can't seem to put my finger on them. my worst fear: that i learned absolutely nothing at all, and that the third party's suspicions were correct all along... i'm still a spoiled brat who isn't one year wiser and more mature about the ways of the world and about handling her own life.

how i wish i knew myself. you read all these books and the protagonists always go through some sort of trials and tribulations and end their journey the hero's journey way i.e. they find themselves. well, i have 'trials and tribulations' yes, but i hesitate to equate their severity to my own. but even so, why can't i have my hero's end?! maybe it's because i have petty problems. for example, looking back on graduating year, the problems i had back then seem so trivial now.

and this is what i hate. the reality of it all - i haven't learned anything new about myself at all. my monotonous life recylces itself, pouring the same problems onto me, hoping, just hoping, that this one last time, i'll be able to figure out how to grow up, deal and move on.

learning

i'm not sure i'm ready for this. i don't know who i have become. this new person makes decisions differently, acts differently, thinks differently. i've thrown some ideals out the window, captured some new ones.

'it's all part of the learning process'

can i blame this distortion, this feeling of discomfort, on the learning process? or is there really only one way towards which to shift the blame? maybe it's time to take some responsibility. to step up the game and get into the right groove. i thought i had found my niche, but i guess it was temporary. of course - what was i thinking? it was too ideal. too perfect. too easy. life isn't supposed to be easy, right? there are supposd to be obstacles and challenges. i guess i'm facing them now and the only way to gain some perspective is to get through them.

gain some perspective.

doesn't that sound all too simple? i love the word perspective. but it's such a small word for its big meaning. to me, it means getting some experience, looking at life from different angles, being well-rounded and unbiased.

yeah. i definitely need some of this.

so where to start?

what constitutes perfection..and happiness

*inspired by kea. cus shes amazing.

i used to be so sure that everything in my mind that alluded to perfection was true, was right. i was clearly wrong. there is no such thing as perfection. there is always something that mars the whole picture. and surprisingly, that makes me sigh with great relief. me, even being the perfectionist that i am, i've come to terms tonight with being less than perfect. i guess observing someone's life from a distance, even for five minutes, as a whole, i was really jealous of everything she had, everything she was, everything she did. i'm being realistic for once in my life. and the purpose of me writing this is just self reassurance that a) its okay to not be perfect and b) i can shed this layer of green jealousy.

oh and that i have a good life as it is. i've been thinking a lot about it these past couple of months when i've been MIA. small things have blocked my entire view on life or something like it. i said i would work on my issues as a new years resolution. issues being self-deprecatory,depending on solely other people to validate my happiness and self worth, and being happier withmyself and with what i have in front of me. right now. at this moment. i want to take everythingwith a giant sweep and say 'it's okay. take it and love it'. i wish i could be less of a hater and more of a lover. love for life and what it is and what it brings me. because life brings
the change i see in me and in others.
opportunity to grow and learn.
love that brings laughter .

and i want to stop hating for what it's not bringing me. because frankly, it's brought me alot. i just have to look around. i guess i could start right now. so this was all about me opening my eyes. and starting over again. it's never too late to figure out what perfection really is about. it takes a lifetime to figure out anyways.

siempre

call me bipolar.
but i am so happy right now.
love
me

drama queen

i just spent all of dinner crying and crying and crying. why must the future be so complicated? at this point, it's all just so weird. i'm walking through life like a zombie, too dead to realize the good and see 'the awesome in the everyday'. i'm caught up in details.

i'm thoroughly exhausted with the what if's and oh no's and the freakouts and the tears and the lost hopes. i don't even know if it's worth it anymore. i'm not sure of what i want, in my heart of hearts, and when one can't be certain of what they want, how can one plan their whole life accordingly? i've found that pretty much up until now, i thought i was certain (and trust me, this isn't so much based on emotions, as a true reflection), but only because i was forced to be certain. i'd automatically answer "yes" to the incessant "is this what you want?".

so, i don't know what i want right now. all i know is that i'm extremely worn out. and though it may not seem like it, i'm hurting on the inside. and i can't stop it. at least not for the time being. drama queen or not, the pain and disappointment that seems to just keep on flowing and i don't know when or where in my life it will stop, and just exactly how.

i'm a mess.

thanksgiving.. giving thanks.

dear reader,

take a few moments to catch up. it's been a while, and i've missed you.

well, you can all say thank you to a certain someone who told me to post something on this damn page for this up and coming RIVETING post. it may or may not be creative- i channeled everything i had last night into my postman essay. my 'mailman' essay. my 'shitson' essay.
....
now that i have completely scared you away, i am going to indulge in what i am thankful for.

yes, kids, happy thanksgiving. pumpkin pie is the love of my life. so i guess i'm thankful for that. i'm also thankful for the fact that i failed the SATs on saturday and couldn't have possibly done any worse than ..possible. i'm thankful for the opportunity of blabbering on and on on this dear old blogger.
on a more serious note, i really am thankful for the new spin of things on my life right now. the following may seem extremely strange as you read, but it'll make sense hopefully in the end. so im pretty sure you sholud know that i'm super busy nowadays with applications, school work, piano and activities galore, but i'm actually enjoying everything because it keeps me on my toes and keeps me in control. i mean, im not letting anything control me anymore. except for my emotions cus those are pretty hard to harness.
i guess what i'm trying to get at is although on the outside my life seems like its spiraling out of control, i think i have a good sense of where its going. which is kind of the anti-thesis of the rest of the graduating class of 2006, havergal or not. i'm trying to be positive about things that happen, yes even things that have surprised me into SHOCK that im numb, things that have made me piss time and time again, things that have made me so low i feel i can't get up again. and ive discovered that taking control (to a certain extent because we all know there is a MUCH MORE qualified someone ( can i call Him that?) who can take control of my life) is the only way to go.
well, to those who have complained about inconsistency in (we)blogging ( haha im so clever, but not really), i hope you had fun.
xoxo,
h

if you fall i will catch you ill be right here. time after time.

currently listening to:
stolen away on 55th and 3rd- dave matthews band
swallowed in the sea- coldplay
honey and the moon- joseph arthur
i still- backstreet boys
hook- blues traveler

oh! december 4th acc dmb. who's excited?